I graduated from secondary school in 2000 filled with hopes and
dreams. I dreamt of instant admission into the university, graduating with a
first class, getting a plum job and getting married and having my first kid by
the time I am 30. Naija frustrate me, I wrote jamb till jamb started writing
me. It got to a point they started sending me to different states on
sight-seeing/jamb writing tour! In 2005, out of frustration I decided to kill
myself, I bought valium 5, drank overdose but I no die, as a matter of fact, I
didn’t even sleep that night.
After long suffering, I got so good at jamb that I
scored 298 without cheating and gained admission by 2007. I was so happy and
fulfilled. I had arrived! I packed myself to school and was a good student. At
the end of my first year I had a 4.1cgpa. I was happy, I had 5years to clock 30
so I felt I could still catch up my dreams, Then I met her… I was minding my business jeje on nairaland when
she started attacking me, we insulted each other till the admin banned us both,
we opened new ids and resumed the insults. We were at it for ages, I opened
almost 5 ids to fight this girl. In the course of the fight we started liking
each other. She somehow got my number and called and we became friends being
the sharp nigger that I was, I “toasted” her and she agreed. Our schools were 1
hour apart so she came over, after much cajoling we had “sex” that same night. Let me explain why I emphasized the word sex.
After much sweet-talking, we entered the
romance/foreplay stage, I went through the whole, touching and kissing and by
now my “agro” levels were off the charts, then I carry finger chuk for her
“kini” and it was as if a fish seller suddenly opened my self-contain wey I dey
manage and dump all the fish wey she buy the week before but could not sell.
The whole room was smelling and I became dizzy but my agro overpowered the
dizziness and I continued. Our clothes dissappeared and I was kissing her
oranges and then she pushed my head down say make I give her “head” I was so horny or maybe I was high on the fishy
smell but na so I carry mouth put there, it was like eating rotten liquid fish,
I almost vomit inside her “tin” but my “agro” level kept my N50 mama-put dinner
in my somach. The smell was so bad my p***s died off! Seeing the hell I had
gone through and as I no wan lose, I got vaseline, and woke my thing up and we
did the business. The truth is she was good in that department, so
good that I spent my remaining 3years in school “dying there”. I endured the
fish smell for 3years and the following happened to me.
1. My grades dropped till I struggled to graduate
with a 2.2 2. I am now allergic to fish, if I eat fish or
anything cooked with fish I vomit. 3. I am now married and my wife’s “thing” smells
lovely but I no fit give her head cos the thought makes me feel like vomiting
And the worse be say, when I wanted to break up
she said I must pay for damages and she broke up countless relationships I had
after her till I had to run to another state and change all my numbers
but now am the one suffering. My question to NSG fans is this, can I sue her
for causing me this trauma?
Ochuko: Akpos, where have you been?
Akpos: Watching a football match?
Ochuko: Who played?..
Akpos: Ivory coast vs Cote d ivoire
MAMA: How was your paper?..
AKPOS: Good, but I didn’t know d past tense of “think”. I thought and thought, then finally wrote “Thunk”.