I confess that I am far from perfect. I don’t go to church as much as I should and I sometimes fall asleep when the pastor tells us to close our eyes for prayers. Also I don’t tithe. In fact the last time I tithed was a long time ago…I instead prefer to give my money to the family that is about to get kicked out of their wretched rundown building because of rent issues rather than one of those mega-churches trying to build the newest state-of- the-art church in Ikoyi.
I confess that I curse more than is acceptable by Nigerian standards, or international standards for that matter. I curse when NEPA takes light and when people piss me off. I confess that my cursing confession is not a good image for my profile as an African writer and motivational speaker but I can’t give a shit. The situation is too god darn frustrating sometimes.
I confess that I am honest to a fault…that I speak the truth when others are sleeping in a quagmire of bullshit. I confess that my honesty has gotten me in trouble with friends and co-workers. I confess that I can’t stop being honest, that I am no angel but at the same time I am no demon. I confess that if I see shit happening…I will yell “look at that shit happening!” I confess that I love FELA and Chinua Achebe and I wish that I could have hung out with them. I confess that, contrary to popular belief, the Biafran war was a travesty in Nigeria. I confess that I get pissed off when the country acts like the war never happened. I confess that I often fantasize about how life would have been if Biafra actually seceded. But then I realize that my parents would never have met and I would never have been born…so scratch that!
I confess that everything in this book will be written with the utmost honesty. I confess that people might not like what I write but I honestly don’t give a crap. I confess that I will write with all efforts to be as objective but as candid as possible. I confess that all the sketches in this book were drawn by me, but I confess that I got stole sketch ideas from sites like gapingvoid.com and sethgodin.com.
I confess that, similar to my sketch ideas, I stole some of my research ideas from books like There Was a Country and Start Up Nation and from watching hours and hours of TED talks.
I confess that I have no idea what accent I have. In America I sound Jamaican and in Nigeria I sound American. I confess that I will punch the next person who asks me if I speak Igbo and then shakes his head when I begin to speak because my accent sounds funny…and then I find out his children speak the Queen’s English and nothing else (oh there is a chapter on that)!
I confess that I don’t see the big hoopla around gay marriage. I mean I could care less what two consenting men do behind closed doors. Except if the men happen to be politicians deciding how to steal “our”…I take that back…Niger Deltan’s oil money. I confess that I am less worried about two men screwing each other and more worried about a politician screwing an entire nation…over and over again!
I confess that this book will be one of the most candid and honest books you would have read in a long time. I confess that if you are not ready to get your head shit-smacked with the book, you should drop it, ‘cause it would change your perceptions about a lot of things. But then again, I confess that this book will make you laugh, so you should not really drop it.
I confess that I often write crazy chapter titles to shock people into reading my books. I confess that some of my crazy chapter titles include “Corruption is Like Sex” and “Our Dangerous Addiction to Intelligence.”
And I confess finally that I am blessed with a great family and friends that I sometimes neglect because of my introverted nature. But I do love them dearly and pray that I can make time so we can all spend time together.
These are my confessions and this is my book. I hope you like it…but then again the goal is not for you to like it but to be moved by it.
Ochuko: Akpos, where have you been?
Akpos: Watching a football match?
Ochuko: Who played?..
Akpos: Ivory coast vs Cote d ivoire
MAMA: How was your paper?..
AKPOS: Good, but I didn’t know d past tense of “think”. I thought and thought, then finally wrote “Thunk”.